Why do it?
If you read my post “About Me” you’ll know I went through a pretty bad mental state. I am not out of the woods yet. I have what I call my depression demon, and she has been pretty fucking rude lately. Blaming things on my depression demon was a huge breakthrough for me, so if it helps you to think you have one too, I would start fighting back against them now.
She was a dick yesterday, last night (which is why I didn’t write a post last night, sorry), and today. She has been telling me I am bad at my job, and because of that I hate it, and because of that, I should die. I tell her to fuck off, but it also takes a lot of energy for me to do that. Cue me crying in bed watching Arrested Development from 4 pm last night to 2 am this morning instead of doing any of the other stuff I wanted to get done.
I have been here before, and I have dealt with her before. First of all, all depression demons are lying sacks of shit. Sometimes your depression demon is trying to make fun of you before other people do. You can appreciate what the demon is trying to do to protect you, and give it and yourself love. Sometimes your demon will pop up more when you are feeling burnt out on your job or your lifestyle. I have been burnt out before, so it is easier to recognize this time. I am a very analytical person, so I came up with a methodical way to change my life last time and I am doing it again now, so I thought I would share.
The method
First off, start listening to your brain. You are trying to tell yourself something. It is amazing how often we ignore this. If your brain says “I hate this” it is likely you will let that statement brush on by and will forget about it 10 seconds later. Time to start paying attention.
Make a list. In fact, make two lists. Last time I made four lists. That’s too much, fuck that. You need a sad face list and a smiley face list. I would recommend making the list on your phone so you can keep track of it on the fly. Everytime you get a thought like, I don’t want to do this. Or if you are doing something and you have the thought, I want to die. Make a note of that thing and put it on your sad face list, and put a number after it. Every time you have the same thought, increase the number. Do the same thing every time you say, I want this, or I love this. Keep track of this list for a month.
I would recommend keeping your list in alphabetical order, because there will be a lot of thoughts, and it will be hard to find the same one to add to a number. The trick to this is to pretend you are an alien analyzing your life and entering this stuff in as like a low-level entry job. You have to distance yourself a bit because it can get emotional. Especially because you will start to recognize patterns, and you might try to differentiate how you feel because of it. Don’t. Just let the thoughts fly and take note, don’t change the thoughts.
At the end of the month rewrite your lists in order of the numbers with the highest number at the top. Take the item at the top of the sad face list and delete it from your life. Replace it with the top item from your smiley face list. Take the next item on your frowny face list and cut it in half, replace it with the next item on your happy face list. Now that you know this, this is part of the reason to present you are an alien looking at your life. You don’t I want to try to change what thing to delete.
How it works
This method can be pretty bold. It depends on what is at the top of your lists. But hear me out. You will feel so much happier! I was mid the career I thought I wanted, music. Music, if you don’t know, is a bit like a cult. It seemed impossible to get out of. I dropped that shit. Now it seems so stupid that I thought it was hard to drop, it wasn’t.
It may seem insurmountable to quit the thing at the top of your sad face list. But listen, if it is giving you that much pain, it will end up being such a relief to let it go. And you will be replacing it with something that honestly makes you happy. Can this change…yup!
This method convinced me to quit teaching university, and I felt so much better. I made the mistake of not replacing it with the thing that made me happiest, metal. I replaced it with my current job because it was convenient. And surprise, surprise, I am burnt out again. So I am doing this again. Even if you do it right, your life will change, meaning you will like different things, and that’s ok. Or maybe the thing you thought you would love sucks, that’s ok too. Change paths every month, who cares? The point is to do something that makes you happy, even if that changes.
Have you tried something like this? If you try my method, how did it go? Let us know in the comments!