I am uniquely talented at stressing myself out. Doing chemo and being pregnant? Not stressful enough. Let’s add house buying to it. The stress of being a micro-premie parent not enough, lets contemplate solving the world’s problems.
The Sight
There is a fabulous ritual by Shiva Honey called The Sight. I have a book called the Devil’s Tome which lists it out, but I think it is also on her blog. It is one of the easier ones, but one that really helps me re-focus when I get overwhelmed.
The oversimplified summary is, you listen to some music, drink your favorite beverage, and think about a long term plan. Where do you want to be? Who do you want to be?
After ruminating on the subject, you write down your thoughts on a piece of paper. Then you take the time to reflect on what you have written, and you come up with a short term plan. My super simple long term plan…make a difference in the world.
A Vision
To be honest, my thoughts during this ritual were very scattered. I kept getting this image of who I used to think I wanted to be. The woman in this vision has long, curly, red hair that is unkempt in the cute way that takes hours to look like you did nothing. She is wearing a full length green skirt and a cotton blouse. Her child is on her hip and they are both covered in flour from baking with spices from the garden and eggs from the backyard chickens.
I also just do not feel like that person. I dreamt hard of this homestead wife life, and now it feels like I’d be shifting from 1st to 5th. Like the hard tack I would make to go basically back the way I came would knock me off the boat.
I feel so much more like the cool mom who drops her kids off covered in tattoos wearing a metal t-shirt. Which is wild, because if you would have asked me 4 years ago if I felt that way, I’d say you were out of your mind. And sometimes I doubt that is who I want to be, even though I’m living it now.
Making a Difference
I realized I was focusing a lot on what I wanted to look like, rather than what I want to do. As I started to think through things, the biggest feeling I had was that I wanted to help make a difference in the world around me. All of the other thoughts sort of fell into a word map around that idea.
I want to build a tight community. We are already doing a good job of looking after our neighbors, but I want to have a great garden and give away half of the yield, same with backyard chicken eggs. The best way I know how to make a difference is through work. I have already been doing so much, but I want to do even more if I can.
I also want to let my child lead the way. When they are older, I look forward to arts and crafts and playhouses. Their needs are foremost in my mind. I also know in order to pour energy into them, I need to relax and recharge. So I want to learn new things, get crafty, read, and game.
The Big Picture
I am already doing a lot of this. I play with our child every day, and I expect that will continue and evolve. We look after our neighbors. I am doing a great job at work. I am hoping the new plan will help me focus on the big picture, helping me to not get to bogged down with the minutiae.