Soooo. I think we all should have to have sex ed. every 5 years or something. Because do I remember what a fucking zygote is from 8th grade? Nope! I have learned a bunch more shit, and I am here to share it with you, so you can get a little sex ed. refresher. Like when you can take a pregnancy test. No I still don’t know what a zygote is…
First though, I have to eat my fucking words. If you read my post from yesterday, I talked about the potential symptoms I was having and how research doesn’t think I should be having any symptoms yet. Well, while I stand by my statement that doctors don’t listen to women, I should probably not count the things I was feeling as pregnancy symptoms, and rather as placebo for really wanting to be pregnant.
Early Pregnancy Timeline
Ok. So first off, where you are in your pregnancy is determined by when your last period started. I told you, you need to keep track of that shit. If you are on a normal 28 day cycle, then you will ovulate, or release an egg from your ovary, 14 days after your period starts. So you can’t even get pregnant until like week 2 of your pregnancy…what? My cycle is on average 36 days! So my ovulation is whack. Something to keep in mind. Anyway. What I learned today is that your fertile window is 5 days before you ovulate through one day after. This is because sperm tend to live 5 days, and you only have like a 48 hr window or something to get pregnant.
So assuming my Apple Watch is correct, remember my cycle is fucked up, then I could not have been pregnant until today. Now that could be wrong, and I might have ovulated earlier, and I might be pregnant. Actually, now that I am looking at it, that would mean that according to Apple Health, my ovulation cycle is not 14 days later, but 19 days after my period starts. However, that would mean they calculated my fertile window to start 14 days after my period. I wonder if even though my cycle is messed up, I still ovulated 14 days later. That would mean I am 4 DPO, which is the cool way of saying days past ovulation. And some people do get symptoms that early. Guess what kids? Remember those ovulation strips I thought we didn’t need. If this round doesn’t work, guess what I am purchasing?
Even if you fertilize the egg and that bitch passes into your uterus, it can sometimes not stick to the lining. Then your little bubble of 64 to 2048 cells might not stick to the wall the way it is supposed to. And thus, even after conception, you might not get pregnant. Hence the talk of not feeling symptoms until implantation (when the egg sticks).
Waiting For the Proof
I also just learned a lot of things about fertility. Sperm givers are more fertile in the mornings. Missionary position is the best position to get pregnant in. Ok, that’s two things lol. Oh! And lube can hinder sperm. So I guess we are raw doggin’ it tomorrow at 6 am in missionary position. Sounds delightful.
So lets say you give yourself the best chance possible. In fact, there is only like a 12-25% chance of getting pregnant each time you ovulate. But lets say the odds are in your favor, you conceive the day you ovulate. That sucker starts dividing into more and more cells, travels down you fallopian tube, sticks to the lining of your uterus, and starts flooding your body with progesterone, the hormone that might make you feel hot, and queasy. Even then, you have to wait until your next predicted period to take a test!
If you have ever auditioned for a play, you know they release the cast list like a week later. And then you agonize over whether you got in, and it sucks. Well now you are auditioning to be a parent, and you have to lay off your favorite beverages, and have scheduled sex, and wait 2 whole weeks to find out if you got in to the role of parenthood! So if I ovulate today, and we are successful, I am going to wait until the 13th to take my first test (the one I bought says 5 days before your predicted period). That’s 9 days from now! If it is positive I am going to take it again. (I bought a 2 pack). If it is negative I will wait all the way to the 18th, when my period is actually supposed to start, and I will make up all of the placebo symptoms in the meantime.
What do you think? Have you agonized over the waiting period to find out if you are actually pregnant? Have you raw dogged it in missionary position? Let us know all the details in the comments!